After they did in the witch, Hansel and Gretel became the darlings of the media. Everyone wanted to hear their story--they appeared on Letterman, did the talk show circuit, were interviewed by Gourmet and Popular Mechanics. They were as popular as could be. But child stardom was hard on them. They lamented the loss of their privacy, and wanted a chance to live normal lives. So the government put them into the character protection program it maintained for just such awkward literary situations. A nice man named Grimm gave Hansel and Gretel new identities and relocated them in a small midwestern town. Hansel and Gretel now went by the names Hank and Gertie, and they made a modest living working as a baker and a mechanic. Hansel had his own bakery (he specialized in croutons) and Gretel had her own oven repair shop. She was the first woman oven mechanic in the town, and was very proud of the fact. When people referred to her as a repairman, she always corrected them. "Repair*person,*" she would say. She said it with such fervor that no one made the mistake twice.

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